Friday, April 25, 2008

You know you're a Twi-hard if...

Let's face it, we all should be familiar with Jeff Foxworthy and his "you might be a redneck" comedy—if you're not, go ahead and crawl back under your rock. With that said, I think it's appropriate that I share this list* with you.

*This list is more or a less a compilation of other lists I have seen around. If there is something missing, let me know and we'll grow this list.

You know you're a obsessed Twi-hard (or Twi-lover) if...
  • You channel surf the radio so you can score Twilight movie tickets.
  • You nearly run off the road if you see a silver Volvo or old, red pick up truck.
  • You enter any business establishment and scope out all the young men for those who might be handsome enough to portray Edward. Sadly, you enjoy little success. They are all pimply 17 year olds which is normal!
  • You tell your husband that you spend all your time on TM's because it's a great place to share recipes and child rearing advice.
  • You create a My Space account for the simple reason that everyone else on TM's seems to have one.
  • You sit for hours in front of Photo Shop trying to figure out how the hell to manipulate a photo.
  • You actually consider having a t-shirt custom printed that reads "Support Robert!" - Costs about $25 incl. delivery!
  • You write your very first fan letter ever to an actor & actress who are young enough to be your children.
  • You wake up at 4:00 every morning and wonder what you missed on TM's overnight.
  • You lay in bed until 5:30, when you feel it's a reasonable hour to get out of bed for the day, and run to check for new news.
  • You have to check TM's before you go start a pot of coffee.
  • You spend hours wishing that SM would rewrite all the books from Edward's POV.
  • You force yourself to stop at 13 obsessions because any more would simply seem pathetic!
  • Your kids think you have the stomach flu because you lock yourself in the bathroom for hours at a time just to be able to read alone!
  • You bribe your husband with cash or favors to take the kids out of the house so you can read without interruptions.
  • You take your kids to a movie and use the light from your cel phone to read as much as you can before you start getting dirty looks.
  • You are willing to visit your in-laws because you know it's a long enough drive that you can read at least 4 chapters.
  • Your husband kisses you and you're disappointed because his lips aren't cold.
  • You start going up to random people to tell them you want an Edward.
  • You think your next door neighbor looks like a vampire, or he really is a vampire.
  • You try to control your thoughts because Edward might hear them.
  • You've read Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse at least 5 times each.
  • You think your best friend's crazy for not reading Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse.
  • You give your teachers Twilight and/or New Moon for Christmas.
  • You see a box labeled "Forks" at a restruant you think there's something imported from Forks, Washington in there.
  • The Twilight series has ruined any and all future reading for you.
  • You use Twilight for every single school project that pops up.
  • You break up with your boyfriend because he doesn't glitter in the sun like Edward does.
  • Your mom is sick of you calling her Bella.
  • Your dad is sick of you calling him Edward.
  • You have uncontrollable fits of laughter every time someone says something funny in Twilight.
  • You refuse to read New Moon (again) because it causes physical pain when Edward leaves Bella.
  • After reading Twilight you start to wonder if your cat is a vampire and you try to get it to bite you so you can be a vampire and go find Edward.
  • Your neighbors come home from vacation wondering why after you took care of their dog it now answers to Bella instead of its real name.
  • You get mad at your friend because she's had your Twilight book for almost a week.
  • You have hour long phone conversations focused entirely on Edward.
  • You start talking about Twilight out loud to yourself.
  • You've already got your neighbor and your neighbor's daughter anxiously awaiting the arrival of the fourth book in the series.
  • You convince your parents to name your new baby sister Isabella.
  • You see the car name of "Eclipse" and you gasp a little and become giddy.
  • You actually get showered and ready for bed in a rush because you think that Edward will be waiting for you.
  • You get disappointed when he's not there to watch you sleep.
  • You pretend he's there any way.
  • Sometimes while reading Twilight you look up from the book shocked to find you're not in Forks and you don't actually remember were you are.
  • Every night a few minutes before midnight you get on and watch the countdown to Breaking Dawn get one day closer.
  • You randomly walk into a church and pray to Stephenie Meyer with your copy of Twilight that you bring everywhere.
  • You dream about having one wish and that one wish is that Twilight was reality and you were Edward's "mate".
  • You realize that every thing you've ever written and dreamt of will never compare to Twilight at all.
  • You want to take calculus because it's on Edward's timetable even though you argued with your teacher that you hated it.
  • You get embarrassed about thoughts you have because you never know who could be 'listening'.
  • You practise closing your mind so if you came across an Edward he wouldn't judge you.
  • You break up with your boyfriend because "it's not sexy to sleep, you have to watch me".
  • You at first loathe Rosalie, but when she apologizes to Bella, you start to like her.
  • You drive to school on an icy day, thinking to yourself the whole way there if Edward will save you from an out of control van.
  • When you almost get hit by a van, you freak out when Edward wasn't the one who saved you.
  • You want to go cliff diving.
  • You constantly imagine how seductive (XD) Edward smells.
  • You've spent countless hours drawing anything Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse related.
  • When people ask you what you want to be when you grow up, you immidiately say you want to be a doctor...who's also a vampire.
  • You get dizzy when you smell blood.
  • You get nervous if you go into a ballet studio
  • You spend however much time needed picturing what the Twilight character's look like.
  • You hate Dracula movies.
  • When you're sitting at home reading "the book" on Halloween (you finished trick or treating) and a group of kids come to your door, they're all wearing those awful vampire costumes, and you reluctantly give them each one half of a small chocolate bar. When they pout, you tell them "if you sparkle in the sun, I might consider giving you seconds."
  • You want to go to Brigham Young University.
  • You're determined to learn how to play piano, even though you have no musical talent whatsoever.
  • You don't eat your lunch and when your friends ask, you say "I just had my share of an irritable grizzly".
  • You try to run as fast as you can (faster, even) in hopes that you could be as fast as a vampire.
  • You're desperate to have freezing skin.
  • You want to have the graceful dancer's walk like Alice has...psh, you just want to be graceful!
  • You constantly remind people that vampires don't burn up in the sun, don't sleep in coffins, etc.
  • You get mad at your friend when you tell her your theory that Bella's hallucinations aren't just that, they're because Edward truly is looking after her and your friend laughs and tells you otherwise.
  • Harry Potter 7 used to be the #1 book you had to get this summer... now it's Breaking Dawn! Harry who?
  • You and your friend have complete discussions about what will happen next in the book/series.
  • Whenever you and your friends talk about Edward, your voices get higher and higher until your words are nothing but a squeal, and everyone around you stares at you like you're total freaks.
I am sure there are many, many more of these floating around out there, so comment back and let's grow this list and give Jeff Foxworthy a run for his money.


shannon said...

"If you find yourself laughing and agreeing to most of these above"

periwinkleme said...

"When your husband comes to bed and sees you reading Twilight again he says, "'Going to bed with Ed again, huh?'"

Anonymous said...

...when most of the employees at the library you work at devote an entire page of the monthly newsletter to Edward vs. Jacob talk, and it's accepted as the norm.

Anonymous said...

You find yourself using quotes from the books/movies and just loving it when you do, then text your friend who's also a twihard telling her you've done it and can she guess who said it .. And she gets it right every time :)